In Memoriam: Even The Most Attractive/Smart Home Chefs Must Admit Defeat

18 Apr

In honor of my 50th post, I wanted to do something special. And by special, I mean let you peek behind the curtain…

So…I’m not proud to admit this, but I’ve been putting off this post for QUITE some time. While I have had some amazing highs in the kitchen, I’ve also had some crushing defeats. I began this blog to show full transparency in the kitchen and be as truthful (and self-depricating) as possible in order to show that hey, anyone can cook, don’t be intimated because we all are. However, over the months I became drunk on my own power. Each time I had a dish that didn’t turn out I always had another GREAT dish just aching to be posted, and so I just kept pushing these duds off. Well push off no more my friends. I have a nice collection of failures…er…non-winning dishes that I have accumulated over the past few months that I’d like to share with you.

Is what I’m doing heroic? Maybe. Noble? Indeed. Attractive and down-to-earth? You bet your ass it is.


Tarragon and Corn Bites – Simply Organic, Jesse Ziff Cool (what a name!)


I made this during my first month of blogging. The day after I made these I had a phone interview for an AWESOME job and they brought up this blog. We all had a good laugh about using salt instead of sugar while baking and agreed that being approachable and admitting mistakes in your writing/advertising is the best way to market and I left the interview flying high, ready to accept whatever offer that had for me. I didn’t get the job. So to get back at them I didn’t post this. Who’s got the last laugh now?

When I saw this recipe I was hoping they would turn out like one of my favorite items from Epic Bistro (they make these heavenly corn cakes, it’s worth a trip to Kalamazoo just to have some). I made these with the perfect specifications of the recipe, and they turned out ALL SORTS of mushy. For the second batch I added a bunch of flour to the mix to try to “solid” them up, and they still didn’t come together. I also realized I don’t like Tarragon.


Miso Glazed Salmon – Happy Good Time Blog


I had some miso paste left over, so naturally I thought of something in the Salmon arts. Boy was I in for a rude awakening. I got some nice FROZEN filets from Trader Joes, and apparently didn’t thaw them correctly, because not only was the whole thing was overly sweet from the (apparently incorrect amount of) maple syrup, but it had the strangest mushy, watery and all around non-appetizing texture. Needless to say, even the rice and zucchini sides weren’t enough to save this disaster from the sea.


Vegan Lentil Shepherd’s Pie with Parsnip and Potato Mash – Food52


Now this one wasn’t a total disaster, the “filling” of mushrooms, lentils, veggies and spices was just delightful. The Parsnip topping however…. Now only was it bland and over bearing, but apparently I also don’t’ like Parsnips (at least by themselves). I made this during my semi-vegan week and I ended up leaving it out of the official week since we ended up throwing away most of it. Also, the photos just aren’t that great.


Herbed Turkey Meatloaf with Caramelized Onions


This one wasn’t a disaster at all. The meatloaf itself was really good (I mean it’s topped with tons of caramelized onions and has milk-soaked bread, whaaaat), but I tried to be a hero and put it in a big pan and add some potatoes and whatnot to the edges. Everything dried way the F out. And of course I had someone come over for dinner who had never eaten my food before. There is nothing worse than being “that guy” who talks about food all the time (and has a food blog) and then serving something less than mediocre. “I can make tasty things, you guys. I swear.” And we ran out of ketchup, the only lubricating condiment I had to offer. I will be attempting this again, mark my words!


Now I’d like to say “yep, since September {or whenever it was I started this dang old blog} these are the only items that haven’t turned out well” however we all know that simply isn’t the case. These are the lucky few that I actually documented.

And now, a moment of silence, please

2 Responses to “In Memoriam: Even The Most Attractive/Smart Home Chefs Must Admit Defeat”

  1. the winegetter April 21, 2013 at 4:00 am #

    Very attractive indeed…:) Awesome post. I hate parsnips. Can’t stand them. So totally understand your issue with the pie. May have to recreate with a pure potato puree…Congrats on turning 50!

  2. teacherpatti April 22, 2013 at 2:24 am #

    My favorite mishap was when I put in too much baking soda and some cookies all went to shit. Your retelling was much, much funnier than mine 🙂

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